Anger. When I think of that word I picture someone throwing things and screaming at the top of their voice. I picture someone punching a wall as hard as they can till their knuckles are covered in blood. But isn’t that what everyone pictures when they hear that word? They never imagine there could be real pain underneath, pain that’s tearing them apart.
Anger was a word I never wanted to associate myself with, but it was what I was labelled. I could tell people were scared of my outbursts and seeing the look on their faces when that happens is the worst thing in the world. But I couldn’t change. Anger was all I knew. It was the only was to express myself. I could never talk about my problems, I was too ashamed, I knew the minute I would open my mouth to talk that I would fall apart. I never wanted to be weak, I never wanted to show that part of me, because when I open up people take advantage, they use what you said against you. Trust was a big issue for me. I had known anger from a young age, I grew up with it, I thought getting away from that anger would help but it only followed, the anger was in me not the people around me and no matter how many times I tried to run away it followed. Years later I’m not just angry, I suffer from depression and self harm, and I hate every inch of my body, inside and out. Where there is anger there is always pain underneath. My anger turned into depression, it was replaced with an empty feeling, a feeling of nothingness. People still don’t understand that I don’t mean to hurt them, I just have never known a different way of expressing how I feel.
I remeber the look on my sisters face when I slapped her. They way her eyes widened, and the way her mouth formed an o shape. She was shocked, I had never hit her before until that day. My anger was never usually physical, it was verbal. Well that was the final straw, after that I was pushed into therapy and counselling. No one that I cared about stopped to ask me why. They never let me explain, they just wanted me away so I couldn’t hurt anyone. The only person that tried was my mum, but she gave up after a while and started listening to everyone else. I felt like an outcast in my own home, people started acting like there was something wrong with so I believed there was, and that’s the worst thing you can do. People will try and manipulate you into thinking you are someone you are not. They will mess with your head and feeling, the will tear you down. But don’t listen, you know who you are and you know who you want to be. The minute you met yourself go, you can’t get you back.
#BeYou 